Part of living with Bipolar Disorder and being a survivor of childhood sexual abuse is dealing with the anxiety that comes with it. Late at night, when I lay down at night I'm a kid all over again. The first thing I often think is, what if someone breaks in? Then I close my eyes and pray for sleep to come quickly. Yet because I'm so anxious sleep becomes difficult. And sometimes for me that leads to flshbacks and/or nightmares.
Last night I got a taste of both.
There first thing I had was a memory, or a piece of one. It seems to be one I've been trying to have for some time now. It was the same thing. I lay in bed, I can't see the perpetrator but I fight them, trying to get free from them. And I fight HARD. I push them. I kick them. I roll out of bed and try to flip them over my head.
I woke up. Bad memory gone. I closed my eyes and drifted off to to sleep and a full on odd nightmare came. And if I wasn't afraid of incurring the wrath of my sister I would call her just to put my mind at ease.
I just remember having large cuts up and down my chest and the door to my apartment impossible to guard and against the intruder breaking in. I don't pretend to be normal. I'm writer of course I'm not normal. But sometimes I wish I could sleep and rest normally. I wish I could be without the anxiety that I live with. However I know that comes with the package.
So how do I cope? I have friends. I try to cut back on the caffeine when it gets really bad. I try anyway lol ;) And I write even though sometimes the anxiety interferes with even that.
So a big shout out to everyone who has heard about my anxiety before now. And to those who haven't success is possible with this condition. Don't let anyone hold you back. A special thanks to my closest friends Missy, Pam, and Elise. You gals rock for being there to hear me when it seems like no one else does.